Reflection on the Good List

Happy New Year my fellow Dyspraxics!

   If like me you are one of these deep thinking, heavy going Dyspraxics’ who is always reflecting upon and altering things; it is all too easy to fall into the trap of feeling like life is going nowhere. Especially, if like me (to an extent anyway) you sometimes make the same mistakes repeatedly.

          I remember at about 5 to 12 on New Year’s Eve as people were replenishing their drinks, chatting away about their aims for 2017, this overwhelming fear dread consumed me. I was with one of my best friends Helen Roberts; don’t get me wrong we had enjoyed a nice meal and watched the second to last Star Wars movie and as always enjoyed each other’s company. But inside I could hear my heart thundering its’ beat in my head, I was feeling sick and I just wanted to retreat into my imaginary lighthouse. I wanted to disappear because I truly felt that 2016 was another waste of time and precious energy of which I am lacking.  Anyway, I painted on my plastic smile gave Helen a hug and wished her a happy new year, after all, just because I was feeling sad and anxious inside did not mean I should inflict that sadness and anxiety onto others, especially when she was so filled with hope and excitement for the year to come.  

   Having had another drink and we watched about half an hour of fire work works on the large screen, Bryan Adams was preforming… my gosh he should have retired years ago! It was time to head home.  Gave the lovely Helen a hug and told how very lucky I am to have such a good friend who has been there for me through thick and thin, friends such as Helen come in short supply. So, if you have a friend like Helen make sure you acknowledge them and appreciate them!  I think Helen could sense I wasn’t feeling entirely happy and settled within myself, but I think she could also tell that I did not want to talk about it, so she was kind enough not to pressure me.  I entered my bedroom closed the door, locked the light off and had a bit of cry.  2017?? Bah Humbug! So, what another year to waste! Those who look through worldly eyes can see the loser I am.  I only work part- time, still live with my parents and can’t drive. And as far as relationships are concerned I had a few close friends and had applied for a place in spinster university lol

           As you can see from my above mindset I was not in a good place and I should have thought things through differently.  I should have dismissed looking at myself through worldly eyes. After all, what does the world know about the pain and exhaustion I face daily? Working part time is better then not working at all and when comes to working with people, especially hurting people in bad situations the word ‘only’ should never be applied. As for my inability to drive there are a few things to consider; first, I tried learning to drive for 3, maybe 3 ½ year. Next, if I did drive I sincerely believe the car would become a lethal weapon, it would have been dangerous and irresponsible for me to have pursued it further… if I hadn’t of got killed or injured, some other poor bugger would have copped it!  And I could not have lived with the guilt of causing someone else serious harm. As for living with my parents as difficult and as stressful as that often was, I was lucky that one I had parents and two I had a place to live in the first place. Especially, in Tory Britain where homelessness and unemployment is rife.  Spinsterhood, seriously!! Is that really such a bad thing? Believe me it is far better to be alone then to be with the wrong person. You deserve to be valued, treasured and respected; so why be with someone who is selfish and deceitful just for the sake of saying that you have a boyfriend?   Perhaps, if you are anything like me, you too would have almost had to have lost your head on a block before realising it is far more important to love and be at peace with your own self then having the approval of others. I hope that you learn faster than I do because learning that lesson was not only painful but has cost me dearly in the long term.  I can honestly say I have learnt to enjoy my own company and that being in a relationship is not the be all and end all it is cracked up to be!

    Anyway, I have waffled; here are some pointers for you to take on board. Do not and I repeat do not look at yourself through worldly eyes, your situation is your own and is not subject to the opinion of those who are not wearing your shoes. Next, watch the news or if like me you would rather go online and read about it then do so. You will soon understand how what’s going on politically and economically has a part to play in your situation and furthermore this helps you to understand and hopefully be a bit kinder not only to yourself but those in a similar boat. Facebook aka Fakebook, if taken too seriously and frequented too often can also make you feel low about yourself. People tend to brag about worldly things or bleed their sorrows profusely, human nature tends to operate in extremes.  It is dangerous to say the word all because there are always exceptions to the rule, but I would go as far as to say most people use fakebook as a platform to be nosey and or to show off. It is time for us to remove our worldly specs!

                 Also, you should take a leaf from my book. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself (which is ok now and again) but it is toxic if it becomes a lifestyle choice; you need to write up a ‘Good List’. Allow me to explain, I went on Excel and in columns going across I typed each month of the year and within each month I included things positive that had happened, good things people had done for me and good things I had that I had done for others. It was an experiment I carried out because I wondered 2016 had truly been a waste a waste or was the way I was feeling overriding the truth?  Well the results are in; in 2017 I had 175 achievements on my Good List.  Despite my difficulties I believe that I am well and truly blessed. So, if like me you are Dyspraxic and or suffer from depression and anxiety perhaps some of these tips can help you?

 As 2018 was fast approaching, I was no longer filled with dread because I realised that despite how people view me it was far more important how I viewed myself and that despite my circumstances I still have something good and worthwhile to contribute.  I was filled with hope.  I believe that this truth applies to all of us.  

I hope whatever comes your way in 2018 you have the strength and hope you need to get you through.

Thank you for taking time to read this blog.

Speak soon 😊